the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
