dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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