and next time when you feel me up, do it right
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
