so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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