My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
