So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
