i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
