The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
