Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I need a beard to bite.
FUCK WHALES
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