I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
