I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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