My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
