So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
