I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
