I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
