Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
