btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
