If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
