Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
