well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
