once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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