we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
