There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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