I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
