Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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