dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
