capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
