The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
