are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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