In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
