Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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