we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
