she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
