Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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