She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
