He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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