I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
