I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
