I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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