Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
