Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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