dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
