I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
