I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
