How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
