I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
