Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
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