You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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