mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
