She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I got inside last night via doggy door
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
