Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
