ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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